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Only some of us were lucky enough to get medically accurate sex education in school, and even if we did, odds are, it didn't cover how queer men have sex. It's normal to have lots of questions around the mechanics of queer sex, such as what it means to be a top and bottom—and how to do each.

"Top" and "bottom" typically refer to people's roles during anal sex. The bottom is the receptive partner, meaning they're taking their partner's penis or dildo in their anus. The top is the insertive, or penetrating, partner, meaning they're putting their penis or dildo into their partner's behind.

For many queer men, being a top or bottom is also part of their identity; it's why you'll hear guys say, "I'm a top" instead of "I prefer the top position." (If you enjoy topping and bottoming during anal sex, that's called being "versatile," or "vers" for short.)

We have resources on how to bottom, but today we're going to talk about...

From warming up to aftercare, there's a lot more to topping than putting your penis or dildo in someone's anus and going to town.

The most important skill of all when it comes to being a top? Communication, of course.

"Listen to your partner, your own body, and communicate," says Dr. Evan Goldstein, founder and CEO of the anal surgery practice Bespoke Surgical. "That's how anal sex is going to be fun and pleasurable."

How to Warm Your Partner Up

If you've ever been on the receiving end of anal play, you know that penetration feels better when you're relaxed down there. Before you even think about sticking your penis or dildo into your partner’s rear end, you need to loosen them up. Remember, it is a gift—a blessing—that your bottom trusts you enough to put your penis or dildo inside them. Do not skip on the foreplay.

Rimming and fingering are two ways to warm up your partner's booty for anal sex.

"Begin by rubbing the outside of the anus with a finger, applying more pressure as your partner becomes more comfortable," explains Bobby Box, a sex educator for Lovehoney. Since our anus is full of nerve endings, even the softest of touches will feel fantastic. "From there, you can start kissing in and around the anus, working your tongue in slowly as if you’re passionately making out with it," Box adds.

As your partner relaxes, that’s when you can consider working a finger in. "Just make sure your nails are trimmed and filed because the walls in our rectum are very thin and susceptible to scratches and tearing," Box says.